Can I eat now?

About four months ago, my wife and I sat and talked with an Orthopedic Surgeon (the one who operated on my knee a few years ago) to find out the damage inflicted on her knee from the car accident last April. After he wiggled and pushed on it for a few seconds, we heard the dreaded words - "you have a torn ACL." We later scheduled her surgery for 7 weeks after delivery of our little girl. At the time, I knew that it would be interesting for us to have an infant, 5 yr old and a mommy on crutches. Little did I know, it would be more than interesting!
As doable as it sounded, the first 10 days after the surgery proved that I didn't always have enough hands, time or energy to keep up with the needs of three people. I remembered how to do laundry, cook and say "Yes, dear" more times in a day than I can remember. Because of this experience, I've gained a new perspective on being a dad and a parent. What surprised me is the effect it has had on my faith.
A few days ago, I fixed a meal for my son and a lactose free meal for my wife as well as helped set my daughter up for a nap. After I thought everyone was settled, I sat down to eat my enchallada meal only to be asked for to more things from my wife and son. Once I completed my tasks, I sat down again to eat and asked in frustration, "Can I eat now?"
With my belly full and some time to myself later that night, I realized my selfishness and reflected on Jesus words, "if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross and follow me." Most Christ followers would recognize and be able to quote this passage as it is central to the teachings of Jesus. But, as I discovered, quoting the passage and living it are two very different things.
A friend of mine recently commented on this passage and described the challenge as "intentionally putting yourself at a disadvantage." So, this would be like us constantly allowing others to cut in front of us while we are waiting in line for our wants and desires. In other words, denying yourself is admitting your wrong before the argument starts, making your "me time" into "her time," voluntarily giving up the remote control (yeah, that's tough), and asking "what can I help you with" BEFORE you have to say, "yes, dear."
This isn't easy for anyone but that's because its not natural. Normally we listen to ourselves first and wouldn't dare let someone ahead of us. Our needs, time, money and wants come first. Our culture drives that into our heads, and we have to - with God's strength - do all that we can to drive it back out. That's the battle. Self vs. Others. At some point we all want to be first in line. We all want to stop serving others and serve ourselves. We all want to just sit down and feed our own face.
Yea, we all have to eat and I needed nourishment from my enchalladas that night. But what if I would have sat quietly and reflected on the many three times my wife served me after surgeries? What if I would have shown my son an example of a joyful servant?
Obviously, I have a long way to go in this area. Most of us do. Even during our best days, its only a matter of time before our wants and desires push others out of the way. Just like shopping on Black Friday, our wants and desires want to be at the front of the line to get the best for ourselves. But, as Jesus taught, and more importantly, lived out, we have to be willing to push ourselves to the back of the line and let others go first.

In Awe and Wonder

So there I am, standing in the delivery room minutes after my wife has delivered our second child (delivering faster than Dominos as a friend remarked). Watching the nurses check her over, the fact that I was a Dad again was just beginning to soak in. Then, little Haven was placed in my arms and it really hit me. This beautiful child, who will forever be part of me and my wife and an awesome creation of God, is really here!

I watched my wife carry this little heartbeat and kicking machine for 39 weeks. Moms have the unenviable task of laboring and sacrificing for nine months but also the privelage of bonding in a way that Dads will never understand. Us guys are excited and supportive but our jaws don't drop until that beautiful creation reaches our arms (in my case, it was a watery discharge building up in my eyes). It's an unforgettable and irreplaceable experience to fully realize in just a few moments what you have taken part in creating and will now be responsible for.

As I looked upon my daughter's face, I found myself filled with an incredible sense of awe and wonder at the beauty of this new life that I was cradling. God already knew Haven before she was born and had protected her and my wife during an intense auto accident. This moment was a special one for our family, and I was infinitely thankful for God's grace and provision.

My sense of awe and wonder reminded me of the many times those words are used in scripture. Wonder is a word used throughout the OT to describe extrodinary and hard to explain things (pele'). Many times it is used to desribe God and his masterwork. We find this word in Psalms 89:5, "The heavens praise of your wonders." Just as explaining God and his love are difficult to put into words, describing what it feels like to be a Father of a daughter for the first time is next to impossible.

As for the word "awe," it is used in the OT (such as Ecclesiastes 5:7) and is from the root word Yare' which means to fear, revere, or in this case, "to stand in awe of." This word is in some ways the action form of wonder as it refers to our feelings and attitude of respect and awe before God and his creations. I hope that I never lose my sense of awe for the work that God has done and will do in Haven's (and my son Jackson's) life.

Just like the worship song, "I stand in awe of you," yesterday's experience in the delivery room is a vivid reminder that I have two incredible wonders in my life that I can be thankful for and stand in awe of. Today, I will join heaven and praise God for His newest wonder!

Old Friends

I went home to see family this weekend for the 4th of July. But I was also able to see some old friends too - which was nice. Well, it was more than nice. Seeing old friends that I went to elementary, middle and high school with is rewarding. To reconnect with people that you haven't seen in years and have the ability to just pick up where you left off is something very rare outside of your family. This only works with the people you spent your formative years with. Old college buddies seem to have only a limited connection. And people from your previous employment - if that was your only connection - seem to drift apart too easily for us to reestablish a meaningful friendship.

Not so with our friends from 8th grade. These pals know more about us than some of our current friends. And the stuff we went through with them - like puberty, peer pressure and our first dates - those are experiences that produce bonds stronger than any super glue.

All of this reminded me of a line from a movie about this kind of friendship, "Stand by Me." After the narrator has taken us through a two hour retelling of a powerful journey he shared with three of his 12 year old friends, he concludes his story and the movie with this quote: "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. But who does?"

That about sums it up for me. But this line of thought led to the spiritual reflection concerning our friendship with God. For the spiritual giants of scripture, friendship with God was very real. Abraham is recognized in scripture as "a friend of God." And David was "a man after God's own heart." Then there's Jesus' famous line, "Greater love has no man than this - that a man lay down his life for his friend."

This amazing friendship is not lost in the words of scripture. It can be found in real life today. And interestingly enough, we can discover it by applying our 12 year old habits. Start telling God everything. Just like we shared our biggest dreams and deepest secrets with our friends at school, God wants to hear them from us. If you want examples, check out David's Psalms. To keep these conversations going, we need time with God. The kind of time we spent with our friends hanging out every chance we had after school. We all have interesting stories to tell from when we were 12, and just think about the stories we could share if we hung out with God in prayer and scripture for a fraction of the time we spent with our buddies in school. Boy would we have some good ones.

Friendship is a universal need, and yet so many people are living without it. There are people we come into contact every day who would love to have just one friend right now like the one they had at Summer camp when they were 12. But it doesn't take a class reunion to have a friend like that again. It just takes a willingness to open up to God and spend some time getting to know the One who desperately wants to be your friend.

What We Learned - Part 5

In the week following my wife losing her job and then her getting into a car accident, I talked and prayed with lots of family and friends. Obviously we were in the middle of a trying time and eagerly accepted the kind thoughts and words from others.

One of the conversations that has really stuck with me is the one I had with a friend and fellow Pastor. I explained to him that we were both pretty exhausted but that we were finding strength in God, and He was carrying us through. His response really summed up how much we take this strength and presence for granted. He said, "It makes you wonder how people get through this kind of stuff without God." Now, the long answer to that statement is more than this blog can handle. But the short answer is, all people struggle big time when they go it alone in this world, and sometimes they don't make it through.

The fact is, without God we all struggle. Its just that sometimes we only notice our struggle when life throws us a curve ball, or as we just experienced, when life knocks us down completely. I am grateful that we had God's strength during this time. Honestly, I don't want to imagine going through crises, or life for that matter, on our own. Instead of scrambling or panicing (which I have done in the past), we waited for God to carry us through. Certainly reminds me of Isaiah 40:31. "Those who wait upon the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not be faint."

What We've Learned - Part 4

I remember it like it was yesterday. My wife called me on a Friday morning four weeks ago and notified me that her company would not be able to continue and would be closing its doors. Later, she dropped my son off at the church and with tears in her eyes went back to her office to pack up her belongings. I finished off what work that I could concentrate on and headed home.

That evening my wife and I were treated to Pizza Hut delivery with my in-laws. We had a good time discussing how our son had little idea about how big a deal this situation was. After hearing the news about her job, my wife cried in the car for a while with Jackson in the car. A few minutes into the tears and sniffling, my son asked Candace if she could get a tissue and blow her nose as her crying was "a little to loud." If only we could handle life's hard knocks with the ease of a child.

As my wife downloaded her day with her mom, I went to the bedroom, shut the door and spent some time reading the Bible. I went back to Mark 5, which I had read a few days earlier and was happy that I did.

After waiting for Jesus to arrive at his home and heal his daughter, Jairus receives news that she has died and that Jesus shouldn't bother. But Christ responds with great words of encouragement for the father - "Don't be afraid. Just have faith." As I read those words that Friday evening, I wept a little as the peace that only God brings came over me. Later on that evening, I read it to Candace before bed. Such a simple message, yet it carried so much power with it. Even though our life had become very unpredictable, we knew that God was with us and we didn't need to be afraid.

What We Learned - Part 3

Last year my wife was reading an article about the economy and what experts called "recession proof careers." She told me that both mental health and clergy where on the list. After my wife's company went bankrupt and she called me, choking back tears, to say that she no longer had a job, we now know that nothing is recession proof and that so called "experts" writing articles may have given themselves their title.

But even more than a lesson on sketchy journalism, my wife and I were reminded of a truth that has endured for thousands of years. There is only one place to find geniune, fail-safe security. As Psalm 144 describes, "The Lord is my loving ally, and my fortress, my tower of safety and rescuer. He is my shield and I take refuge in him." We knew this truth before my wife lost her job and was in a car accident. But it is in the midst of these life changing experiences that God's Word becomes very real.

Up until April 16, we had our life and future mapped out. We had our necessities and more taken care of. If we wanted to go out to eat, we jumped in the car and drove to the food court in the mall (we've always been pretty froogle). Honestly, we didn't have to worry if a check would clear. Yes, we were blessed, but honestly, had probably taken it for granted. More accurately, we unintentionally had assumed the sole responsibility of keeping our family and livelihood secure.

After losing her job, my wife remarked to me that "now we know where we really find our security." This comment was a stark contrast from our thinking a year before when the experts told us our careers made us safe. And as I was reflecting back on our experiences today, I thought that it was only fitting that earlier in April we selected the name for our unborn daughter - Haven. One day, we will share with our little girl about how God reminded us - while she was in the womb - that our safety, security and refuge is really found in Him.

What We Learned - Part 2

After my wife returned from her trip to San Diego a few weeks ago and unpacked, we had some time to chat for a while at home. She told me all about her vaction with her sister, and I let her know all the guy stuff that Jackson and I had fun doing while she was away. Once Jackson was tucked in, I explained to my wife that I wanted us to spend more time together in prayer and devotions. We decided to make 10pm a regular prayer time.

We took turns each night of the week praying for our family, her job, the church and friends. Also, we looked at scripture together and discussed what God was saying to us. It was refreshing and relaxing. Our devotions were challenging and encouraging. And it was exactly what we needed. This was a habit that we had been instilling in our son but had been largely missing as a couple. We knew that getting back to this regular time together was overdue.

What we didn't know was that Candace was going to lose her job at the end of the week and the following week would be in a head on collision while driving home. As I look back, our moments in prayer and scripture were preparation for the coming storm. God was strengthening us and readying our hearts. All too often we run to drop to our knees in order to pray and seek God when life gets out of hand. There is nothing wrong with that. Sometimes we need to run to God and have a wake up call. However, I'm thankful that when our life was tipped upside down, we were already on our knees and prepared to trust in Him.